Just an athiest with opinions on things. I know that's rare right?
Douglas stared at his martini. It was perfect. Not to dry or sweet and no matter how many he drank (this was his third) he never got further than a perfect pleasant buzz. He had a sudden flash of his death. He’d had several of these since sitting down here at the Alors Je Suppose Que Je Suis Mort bar and grill just up the street from the pearly gates. Something heavy, Douglas couldn’t remember what, had fallen on him and crushed the life out of him. It had been very unpleasant, but mercifully brief. Now here he was…awaiting judgment, having a perfect martini. He looked around the room. It was a typical bar/restaurant. The were pictures of movie stars, and licence plates on the wall. It was bright enough to read but not so brought as to make it uncomfortable. He downed his martini and glanced up at the bartender. Mort. Mort looked like every bartender Douglas had ever known. He was tallish wore hornrimmed glasses and had dark hair and complexion. He wore a white button down shirt with a black tie and slacks. His sleeves were rolled up to reveal very hairy arms. “So this is the afterlife?” Douglas said. “Apparently sir.” Mort answered. “Another martini?” “Um. Sure, why not.” Douglas said. Mort set to mixing the martini. “I assumed there’d be more…you know…flames.” Douglas said. “If you would prefer to be on fire that can be arranged sir.” Mort said “No, no. Uhhh. No. Just the martini is fine. Thank you. ” Douglas said. Mort nodded and continued with the drink. Something about Mort gave Douglas the screaming heebie geebies. Though the man was almost preternaturally polite the was something predatory about him. He looked at Douglas as a man might look at his dinner. “So how long does this usually take?” Douglas asked. “Not that I’m in any hurry. Just curious.” “It takes as long as it takes” Mort said dismissively. “The line to get in is quite long you know. Your not the only person who died today. ” Douglas liked around at the empty bar. Perplexed. “But I’m the only person here.” Douglas said. Bewildered by the statement. “You’re the only person you can see here.” Mort responded. “We like to keep everybody separated until they’re placed. It cuts down on the drama.” Placed. So there was still a chance he wouldn’t get in. “Um. By placed you mean?” Douglas asked nervously Mort sighed audibly. “Yes placed. Where you’ll be best to serve the Lord. If you were damned they’d have made past your knees and to your genitals by now. The Damned get a straight, one way ticket to the bottom of the Pit.” Mort said setting the fresh martini in front of him. Well that was a relief. Douglas settled in and sipped his drink. He waited, and waited. And when he hit bored with that he waited some more. After what seemed like an eternity (the irony of this thought was not lost on Douglas) he finally got up the nerve to speak again. The aura around Mort was unpleasant to say the least, but there had to be a way to expedite the process. “Hey uh Mort” Douglas said. “Yes sir. ” Mort said. “It seems like like I’ve been in here for years buddy.” Douglas said. “Yes sir. Seventy three of them to be exact. ” Mort said. Douglas stared. Dumbfounded. It took him a full ten minutes (days?) To recover. “That’s just a figure of speech Mort. ” Douglas said “Yes sir. I gathered as much, but you were correct so…” Mort replied. Douglas stared at Mort. He hadn’t considered time differential until now. He sat back down. Another flash. He had pooped himself. Well hell of course he had. A fucking piano had fallen on him after all. Wait. It was a piano. Douglas had gone out like Willie goddamn Coyote. Fuck. He had been on his way to a date with a very promising Cubano lady when it happened too. Douglas had flogged his dolphin more than once to her Instagram page. Hell, he’d even manscaped his nether regions in anticipation of what he’d hoped would be a fruitful night of fucking and cuddling. Ce la vie. Then the side door opened. Douglas turned to see what might have been the loveliest woman he’d ever seen wall into the bar. There was a funny thing though. She didn’t arouse him at all. I mean at first sight she should perked at least I tinge. A twitch of cock. Something. Yet when he looked at her he limped right up. It didn’t make sense. Then to his surprise she walk right up to him. “Mr. Douglas Van Winkle?” She asked starring at her clipboard. “Ummmm yes. That’s me.” Douglas replied. “I’m Verititous. I’m here to assess your proper placement in Heaven and more industries LLC. How are you today?” “Yeah. I’m feeling okay I guess. ” Douglas said. “Very well. Don’t worry about your sex drive. It’s fine. I have that affect on people.” Verititous said. “I’ve been reading over your resume. There’s not much here that is of use to us.” “Yeah. About that. I don’t remember filing out a resume.” Douglas said. “You were on earth for 14,192.65642 days. We calculate your resume by the combined skills, knowledge, and the level of sacrifice made our learned by you in that time period. ” Verititous said. “Oh I see.” Douglas said “Not much you can use?” “No. Not much at all ” Verititous said. “Of course if masterbation were a marketable skill in heaven you’d be a shoe in for a good position.” Douglas figetted at this, and cleared his throat. “I didn’t masterbate that much.” Douglas said embarrassed. “17,432.565 times. Honestly Mr. Van Winkle I’m surprised it didn’t fall off.” “Oh okay. Wait how did I manage to wavk it .565 times?” Douglas asked. “We account for attempts as well as success’ Mr. Van Winkle. ” Verititous replied. “I think we’ll put you on the golden streets and pearly gates maintenance crew. You should fit right in what with your knack for polishing things. Here is you credentials. Please report for duty promptly tomorrow morning, and in enjoy your stay in heaven. You almost didn’t make it you know.” “Yeah. I was a bit surprised myself.” Douglas said.